guilt

tml im supposed to go to some half charity half money earning event.
but! i killed myself.
i've disappointed so many ppl.
i feel suffocated now.
but its my own effing fault that i cant go.
be it to earn money,do charity and whatsoever hell.
i thought i din need my moms permission as i thought she'd mostly support me to go to events as such / do such events. and wth now? i killed myself.
she din let me go to the event.
im such an effing disappointment
i feel like crying
nothing came out.
i dunno what to do.

but all i can do know is stay home. thats why eileen,i dont dare to go out with you